Caroline perhaps one day you will read all of these blogs and take them to heart as you yourself are a young mom, or perhaps even before that, as a young woman coming to grips with her humanity in light of a relationship w/ Christ.
I write this today to let you know that fear can be consuming. For most of my life I feel like I have battled fear in one form or another. As a young child it came in the way of nightmares, aweful, gruesome, bloody, terrifying nightmares. You know, Grammy and Papa never let me watch those kinds of movies or shows, yet somewhere I believe Satan was trying to terrify me w/ these images. So therefore, night became fearful. Sleep became fearful.
As I got older, unfortunately this seemed to be where I always felt attacked...but then even in my waking hours...fear gripped me. Fear of my mom and dad not making it home safe from a night out. Fear of death for them, for me...Darren...FEAR always.
I think that is one of the reasons going to school everyday was such a traumatic experience. I was afraid something would happen while I was away. I realize that I was never afraid to "try" things as long as my family was around. As long as I could see them.
Fast forward to today, this morning...and that same paralyzing fear gripped me my love. Fear of loosing you! I think perhaps I've seen too many movies and tv! My dear, I find myself almost afraid daily of coming in your room to get you from sleep, whether a nap or night and I am afraid you will be gone. Dead. Oh how I hate that moment before I open your door. I know this may seem silly...but I believe a lot of mom's struggle with this, and I don't think many people talk candidly about this reality.
I called Grammy this morning to just ask her to pray for me...to not give in to the lie that Satan wants to breed in my thoughts. To somehow forget that my Saviour is real, and is a protector. To pray that I wouldn't let the fear get its grip on me. Grammy shared that even today, as Uncle D and I are 36 and 32, she still has fear. But, the key here is to not let the perversion creep in. I think there is a healthy fear, perhaps caution to protect you...but there are things that are out of my control. While pregnant w/ you I realized this immensely...and for some reason this morning, I am reminded again that Jesus has you.
So my love, when you read this as a young woman, remember that fear is normal. But the fear that paralyzes is not of the Lord. So today, I claim this verse for myself, for Grammy, for you....
"Peace I leave with you. My peace I give to you, not as the world gives, give I to you. Don't let your heart be troubled, do not be afraid." John 14:27
Claim it sweet one!
6 comments:
you are so not alone in this, i have this fear daily too. thanks for sharing.
You are not alone! Since having kids my imagination has become so vivid. I find that at times I have to "give in" to the fear and realize that even if my worst dreams come true that God is STILL the lover of my soul. That God is still my provider and my peace even if/after the worst happens.
fear can be so crippling and overwhelming. you know i understand! it just changes faces when you have a baby doesn't it? you are in my prayers:)
allison,
you are so sweet! i struggle with fear and anxiety on a daily basis. it overwhelms me at times. know that if you ever need a friend to talk to and someone who understands, i am here! seriously, dont hesitate to get in touch with me. fear that consumes is just so miserable. let me know anytime you need anything! i am always willing to talk openly about things that i struggle with and my ocd. love you girl! have fun with precious caroline!
love this blog. i think that you are so transparent. i too struggle with this ... tommy teases that i am queen of 'what if'. i worry everytime tommy is out late ... or when i don't see the kid's tummies going up and down and i have to touch them to make sure they are ok. it's normal ... i think it's something that happens when you become 'mom'. love to you and sweet caroline!!
wow. you might as well have written my thoughts from any given time on any given day. i used to be petrified of being kidnapped (my mom always said they would bring me back b/c i was such a pain), tornados, the dark, the shapes the trees outside my window made-all kinds of fun things that my mind could conjure up. now, i think that if i see a news story about a plane crash, it is God preparing me for Michael dying in a plane crash-umm, i promise i am sane. :) anywho, great blog. fabulous verse. a friend of mine also gave me this-"Worry is a waste of the imagination and a distrust of the resources and power of God".
love you my friend.
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